What You Really Need – emotionally

Why do some relationships struggle while others wax strong?

Some couples seem to get lovelier with age while others look twice their age.

Hint: It’s all about meeting emotional needs…

________________________

Q- What’s the most important thing in a relationship?

     A- Meeting each other’s emotional needs

Emotional needs are a bit like the air we breathe. We don’t see them but we can certainly feel them (especially when they’re not met!).

Have you ever seen a flower blossom? It seems to stretch and yearn for the sunlight. The bud opens up little by little until the flower blooms in all its glory. That’s what happens when all our emotional needs are met. We thrive!

The opposite happens when our emotional needs are neglected.

Having our emotional needs met is essential to optimum health the way a good diet and exercise help promote physical health.

Emotional well being is an important part of mental health which is crucial to our overall well being.

What they are

Emotional needs are conditions we need to have met in order to feel fulfilled, satisfied or at peace inside. We all have them and they differ depending on our age, gender and unique personalities.

There are many emotional needs to be met for optimal emotional health like there are vitamins, minerals and nutrients for our physical health.

But there are really only a few that we absolutely cannot do without.

 Top 6 emotional needs and how to meet them

  1. The need to feel heard (or validated)

We hear a lot about how important communication is in relationships – and it is. But what makes communication so important is the fact that it strengthens emotional bonds and fosters intimacy – it says- ‘this is me’ and –‘please don’t reject me.’

If you unconsciously ‘talk over’ your loved one, and jump in to solve their problems after they’ve unburdened their hearts to you without really understanding what they’ve said, you may think you’re communicating when in actual fact you’re not and your spouse is left feeling completely unheard and even misunderstood.

You know your spouse is feeling unheard or unseen when they constantly beg you for affirmation and praise or repeatedly complain about not being appreciated.

To meet this emotional need simply summarize or rephrase what you hear your partner say and name the emotional feeling you hear expressed. For example, supposing he comes home angry, complaining of an inefficient or incompetent subordinate. You might say ‘‘she did that? I get why you’re so annoyed. I would be too’’ That’s it. When you validate someone you’re saying its OK for them to feel a certain way. You’re saying ‘’I hear you and I understand.’’

The good thing about validation is that you might not necessarily agree with what is being said. What’s important is that you understand and convey that understanding.

So to validate someone first try to understand their point of view, then express this understanding in words.

If you’re the one feeling unheard in your relationship then it’s time you had an open conversation about how you really feel.

Feeling heard in a relationship makes a world of difference! You need to have felt this to truly understand.

  1. The need to feel safe

This need goes way beyond physical safety, though that’s certainly included.

To feel safe with someone means to trust that they have your best interest at heart. To feel that your heart is safe with that person. To believe that they will not intentionally hurt or harm you. Essentially, to trust them with your heart.

The need to ensure emotional safety is the reason why we build walls around ourselves in the form of coping strategies- those things we do to protect our hearts so that people don’t trample all over it.

Things like keeping our vulnerable sides from people and excessive anger when feeling threatened are some strategies we use to prevent others from seeing and injuring our softer sides. They are like walls, keeping us safe until we trust someone enough to let our guard down and let them in.

A good way to make someone feel safe with you is to be honest and real with them. Lying, breaking promises and cheating may seem like innocent, harmless fun but these things erode trust – and trust is a delicate thing. It takes years to build but can be destroyed in an instant.

Getting someone to feel secure with you takes you being yourself basically. No airs, no pretense. When you’re genuine, trust worthy and dependable people will feel safe around you.

If you feel unsafe in your relationship then ask yourself why. What deep concerns do you have about that person or the relationship? Talk it over as soon as you understand the roots of your feelings. Give it time, sometimes the uneasiness and insecurity you feel is as a result of nothing more than a misunderstanding or a clash in personalities.

  1. The need to feel Accepted

It’s so satisfying to be seen for who you really are and still be fully embraced and accepted.

The opposite is rejection which is heart breaking.

To be accepted means to be taken just the way you are. Your partner or significant other is not trying to manipulate or change you in any way. They see you as you are and love you warts and all.

Acceptance also means that you feel as if you fit in and belong in their lives.

Acceptance frees us to be our real selves. You know you’re accepted when you can be silly, vulnerable, afraid and many other ungraceful things without losing the respect of your significant other.

When someone you love (and hope to have a future with) holds back from planning activities with you and makes no attempts to introduce you to their family members or doesn’t make plans for the future with you in it, it can leave you with a feeling of not belonging, of not being accepted. You feel like you’re at the fringes of their life. This isn’t a comfortable place to be in.

But the thing about acceptance is that it cannot be forced. They either accept you or they don’t.

If you feel this way, discuss it sensitively with your loved one (or intended). Hopefully they will see things from your perspective and make the necessary changes. If not, it might be a good time to move on.

  1. The need for Affection

What makes you feel loved?

We all want to love and be loved. We want someone to love us – and show it in a language we clearly understand. With love, we prefer it to be unmistakable, unquestionable and solid. Ambiguity simply will not do.

There are different love languages as you probably already know – things that communicate love to us. And it differs with individuals. Sometimes you can perceive love in one way with one person and in a different way with someone else. It’s not cast in stone.

Some people feel loved through physical touch and intimacy. For others it’s words of affirmation or acts of kindness. There are still some who feel loved when they receive gifts from their partners no matter how small.

Sometimes a warm hug from a loved one in the time of need says ‘I love you’ more loudly than words ever could.

If you feel there’s a lack of affection in your relationship talk it over with your partner.

Be sensitive and listen to what they have to say with an open heart. But be specific too. In what practical ways would you like to be treated so as to feel loved? What communicates affection to you?

Use ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ when expressing yourself so you don’t sound accusatory. Say ‘‘I don’t feel loved when you don’t return my calls’’ for instance rather than complain ‘‘you don’t love me!’’.

It may well be that your partner is expressing her affection to you in ways that don’t communicate love to you.

  1. The need for Autonomy

Autonomy means retaining a sense of separateness or self despite having many things in common and doing many things together.

Some think long term relationships or marriage is about the merging of two people to become one – and it is, in a sense.

But when identities begins to blur it could also be because one partner believes that they need to be more like the other for the relationship to succeed, which is unhealthy. Or they fear that showing their true self will be met with disapproval which stifles intimacy.

When one partner tries to control, mould or shape the other to fit into their imaginary idea of what the perfect spouse should be, the relationship is strangulated and the other partner is deprived of healthy autonomy. Ultimately this ends up killing the relationship.

Two people can begin to blend into each other over time and still retain their individuality. Having separate friends, hobbies and aspirations fuels curiosity and should not be feared but embraced. It adds spice and variety and even makes the relationship fun.

If you’re feeling stifled and caged in your relationship it could be because you’ve lost your sense of autonomy. Talk it over (as always) with your partner and look into ways you can express your individuality.

Perhaps reconnecting with old friends could help (make sure your partner is OK with this first). Try out new hobbies or take some time apart to refocus then regroup.

A healthy relationship is like a partnership. You’re interdependent – dependent on one another not independent – standing alone and not needing the other.

  1. The need for Self Actualization

The need to have meaning, a sense of being a part of something bigger than yourself, is an emotional need we all have.

Becoming who you were meant to be and doing what you feel you were put in this world to do is immensely fulfilling and satisfying.

Self-actualization is an ongoing process that can be achieved by first identifying your strengths and talents and doing them. It can be achieved by basically doing what you love and what interests you. This could be as a hobby or as a full blown profession.

Next, develop your skills and become a master at doing the thing you love. This usually involves some sort of academic pursuit but not necessarily. The up side is that when you do what you’re gifted to do, you do it exceeding well and money usually follows!

A final word on emotional needs

Just in case I may have implied it – just so it’s clear, your partner or significant other is not responsible for meeting all your emotional needs. They’ll certainly meet a majority of them (hopefully) but it’s unreasonable to expect them to meet every one of your needs. No one is that strong.

Meeting your emotional needs is your responsibility. First you need to find out what they are.

  • Under which conditions do you feel most at peace or at home?
  • What do you deeply yearn for?
  • What do you secretly long to have in a relationship?

Once you’ve identified your needs – think about the ways you can meet them? Do you need a hobby? Maybe it’s time to make new friends or explore your other talents.

I must say that taking time to truly know yourself by cultivating a relationship with your maker is a great step towards learning how to meet these emotional needs too. Actually it’s a huge step. Who can know you better than the God who made you? He made you so He knows what makes you tick and best of all He knows how best to meet your needs.

Your understanding of what makes you tick emotionally takes time, patience and getting to know yourself. But the fulfillment it brings is second to none.

I’m speaking from experience gathered sometimes painfully.

 

As always please Ask the Therapist if you have questions.

From my heart to yours,

 

 

370 thoughts on “What You Really Need – emotionally”

  1. Avatar
    Ochonogor Angela

    I appreciate this article on emotional issues.
    Doctor my boys are growing and each time I feel they will start their lives some day and live me alone makes me scared. As a single parent how do I handle it?
    Knowing how we have been close and feeling lonely later.

  2. Avatar

    Like you said doc, sometimes a ‘simple’ hug is all it takes. A another awesome piece from our very own Sunshine Therapist! Keep waxing strong!!

    1. Chika Anireto

      Amen! Onward ever by God’s special grace. I can do all things through Christ.
      Thank you for the encouraging comments dear Uche. God grace to you and yours in all your endeavors

  3. Avatar

    Actually one would feel that as one gets older some of these emotional issues become part n parcel of ons’s life. But it is not. Thanks a million times for this information.My understanding is greatly enhanced. Bravo again dear therapist.
    T.N.Nwosu
    Lagos

    1. Chika Anireto

      Thank you so much Mummy!! I feel blessed to have you read my posts and encouraged by your kind comments.
      God bless you loads!

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