Could You Tell If Your Friend Was Suicidal? – Signs that hint at the turbulence within

Signs of impending suicide are not always clear. Not everyone with depression gets withdrawn and moody. Most are highly functional, dependable people who battle with the desire to end their lives yet wake up every morning and go to work anyway.

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I lost a colleague to suicide some years ago.  If anything, I learnt that most people say they’re fine when they are far from it. People want to hide their pain, give an air of composure even when they’re really falling apart within.

I want to be the kind of person people feel safe to open up to. The kind of person who says’ I’m here, you can talk to me’. I’ve not always succeeded but I’m sure going to try, God helping me.

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There are research proven signs that predict or predate suicide. That is what this post is all about.

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I remember that day like it was yesterday though it’s been over 2 years now – the day I learnt that a colleague of mine had committed suicide.

The hospital had been busy like any other day. I remember walking in to see patients already on queue waiting to be seen. Staff and patients went about their business as usual. But there was a trace of anxiety and sadness in the air that day, one to which a casual observer might have been oblivious but which was readily apparent to the discerning employee.  Something was definitely off.

Initially it had been mere speculation. We held on to hope that it was nothing more than a fearsome rumor. But eventually management confirmed the unfortunate news. We had indeed lost a member of staff to suicide – a doctor. He had injected himself with a lethal dose of propofol (a drug used to put people to sleep before surgery) and taken his own life.

Why?

That was the unspoken question on everyone’s lips.

How was it possible that a colleague who had walked the same corridors with us, eaten in the same canteen and engaged in the same office politics have made the decision to choose death over life and we all had absolutely No idea?

How could this have happened under our collective watch?

The sad fact is that in 2016 alone 793,000 people took their own lives worldwide.

In the same year, 17,710 Nigerians tragically chose to end their own lives according to the World Health Organization and regretfully, this figure keeps rising.

Nigeria has the 6^th highest suicidal rate among African countries behind Lesotho (number 1) and Zimbabwe (number 5) according to WHO 2016 statistics.

Why?

A mix of financial difficulties, economic hardships, family woes – and many other problems can trigger or worsen depression which causes relentless emotional pain from which suicide victims seek to escape.

         Suicide is essentially escape from unbearable emotional pain.

Anyone could be a victim. So don’t just stand by and look – empower yourself. You never know, you could save a life.

Tell-tale signs that suggest suicidality

1. Hopelessness

Hopelessness is one of the most powerful predictors of suicide.

People who consider suicide genuinely believe it to be the best solution to their problems and a worthwhile end to their emotional suffering.

They may carry on with ‘business as usual ‘but have a deep sense of hopelessness underneath it all. They tend to be pessimistic about the future and really do not expect their situation to ever change for the better.

How you can tell

You hear it in the way they talk and how they behave that they’ve given up on life.

They might be daring and reckless, but not in a quest for adventure, rather in the secret hope that their journey to death would be fast tracked.

They may become passive and resigned- because they’re silently praying to sleep and never wake up.

2. Change in personality and /or appearance

A change in personality is the outward sign of inner hopelessness. When someone has given up on life it shows in the way they look and behave.

An outgoing person may gradually (or suddenly) become withdrawn and introspective. A careful and thoughtful person might begin to care less and become outrageously daring.

It’s not new found courage, it’s a death wish.

How you can tell

Physically they may begin to let themselves go and look sloppy or unkempt.

They may drink more or begin to use drugs so they act jumpy or uncharacteristically anxious.

They may do risky, reckless things like driving while intoxicated. The point is there’s a change from their usual behaviour.

3. Underlying Mental illness

This is for the health professional to diagnose and treat but you can help by encouraging them to get help when you notice uncharacteristic mood changes.

You can also help them seek out the this help, book or schedule the appointment or offer to pay for it.

   I know a colleague who actually did this for his friend. As far as I’m concerned he literally saved the young lady’s life.

Not everyone who has a mental illness will attempt or commit suicide. But severe mental illness like depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia greatly increases the risk of suicide.

People with severe mental illness are 3 to 10 times more likely to end their own lives than the general population.

Sadly, many people with mental illness never get diagnosed. The fear of stigmatization keeps a lot of people and their families from seeking and receiving the care they need.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

4. Suicidal ideation- They think and talk about taking their own lives

Suicidal people are preoccupied with death and dying. They may say things like; ‘I’m going to kill myself’, ‘I wish I were never born ‘or ‘I wish I were dead’

Frequently the spoken threat of suicide is a desperate cry for help that must be taken seriously.

  5.  They’ve tried to kill or hurt themselves before

We are all wired for self-preservation. Anyone who has ever attempted to take their own lives before will most likely try to do so again  given the right conditions.

If you heard of or were told about a past failed suicide attempt, then you’d better take the present one seriously.

If suicide ever seemed like a viable option in the past, chances are it will remain in the horizon as an option to be taken when the need next arises.

6. They seem to have a lot of overwhelming problems and NO reason to live

The major difference between someone who considers suicide and never follows through and someone who does is having a reason to live.

Many people contemplate suicide, even desire it, but never follow through for love of their children, their spouses, fear of God and hell or other such reasons to live.

A person who has a lot of overwhelming social and relationship problems with suicidal ideation (thoughts of suicide) who has no reason to live is unfortunately, a suicide waiting to happen.

What you should not do when you suspect that a friend may be suicidal

• Don’t be patronizing or judgmental. Offhand comments like ‘na only you get problem’ as we say in the Nigerian parlance, are incredibly hurtful and callous. You don’t need to understand or agree to be helpful. Instead ask questions like ‘‘what’s causing you to feel this way?’’ or ‘‘How can I help?’’
• Don’t be disrespectful or dismissive. You have no idea what this person is going through, you can only imagine.
• Remember, even though a suicidal person’s thoughts may not seem logical to you, the emotions are very real.
• Never promise to keep someone’s suicidal thoughts a secret. Be understanding but explain that you may not be able to keep such a promise if you think the person’s life is in danger. At that point, you have to get help.
• Don’t be afraid to air your concerns
• Don’t be afraid of being snubbed , brushed off or plain wrong. Express your concern about a suicidal person even though it may be awkward. If you’ve noticed that they no longer smile like they used to- say so. The fact that you noticed at all is flattering and shows that you care. Or maybe the quality of their work is slipping or they’ve become more irritable or easily frustrated. You’ve noticed so say so.  Sharing your observations with someone carrying a heavy emotional burden in a caring and considerate way says ‘I care’ and may be the lifeline they need.

What you should do

• Ask directly about the person’s feelings, even though it may be awkward.
• Listen to what the person has to say, and take it seriously.
• Encourage them to communicate with you. Sometimes just talking to someone who really cares can make a big difference.
• Call for help. We have a suicide hot line in Nigeria that actually works ( I called the line to confirm so I know for a fact that it works)  They even do home visits for a token fee.
• You can also get free advice if you need help and don’t know what to do.

Even if you’re scared that you may be wrong, when it comes to life it’s best not to take chances.

National Suicide and Crises Lines

Abuja

Nigerian Suicide Initiative Counselling Centre

234 806 210 6493

234 809 210 6493

Lagos

 LUTH Suicide Research & Preventive Initiative (SURPIN)

070 138 111 43

Though located in Lagos, these people are able to give callers information to link them up to other centers Nationwide.

If you’re reading this and you’re actively thinking about ending your life -please don’t!

• Suicide may seem like a viable option now, but the only constant thing in life is change.
• Your situation can change for the better. If you take your life you’ll never get to find out.
• Life is beautiful. Our struggles and pains serve to mold us and really only end up making us better!

And one more thing, please put your trust in God. He can take it, even if you can’t.

 

As always, please let us hear your thoughts.

Questions? We have answers, please Ask the Therapist.

 

Warm regards always,