How To Recover From Heartbreak

If you’ve ever lost someone you loved or a relationship you cherished then you know the feeling. One minute the world is alright because you have them, the next minute they’re gone. You’re in shock and disbelief but it’s terrifyingly true.

Maybe you saw it coming or perhaps you were totally blind-sighted. You may even blame yourself. The bottom line is; this isn’t the way you imagined things would end.

It wasn’t supposed to end like this.

Losing a treasured friend, child, spouse, sibling or parent tears a hole in your heart that’s impossible to refill. Your life’s rhythm is off-kilter and your world seems a little dimmer. It’s hard to imagine life without them. You don’t want to.

You feel like this pain will go on forever. Like it could unravel or submerge you.

You’ve even have talked it over with friends – countlessly. But the gnawing ache just won’t go away. You sense their patience begin to wear thin. Like they’re silently urging you to move on already.

If I’ve just described you, please hang in there.

Here’s what you need to remember to help you get through this;

It’s Ok to feel this way

Yes, it is. Accepting that you feel what you feel and that it makes sense given the connection you both shared is the first step.

Fighting with yourself, whether you should have gotten over them by now or pretending you don’t miss them as much as you do, is you hurting yourself even more and prolonging the pain.  

Complex or simple, rational or not, you feel the way you feel and that in itself is ok.

There’s no right way to grieve. There’s no particular time limit either.

Permit yourself to mourn the loss of the relationship in any way that feels natural to you and for as long as you need to. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself time.

You’ll begin to really heal when you let yourself feel the pain

I know, it does sound paradoxical. How can experiencing hurt help healing? Think of a healing wound, say a scrape on your knee. If you don’t clean it, preferably with antiseptic – which hurts – it festers, especially if, in a bid to avoid pain, you cover it up with plaster while it’s still dirty. Inevitably an infection takes root which compounds the problem and worsens the pain.

Engaging with your emotions rather than avoiding them is you applying antiseptic.  It stings but that’s healing taking place.

I’m saying; stop running away from the hurt because doing this will only prolong and magnify your suffering. It will also increase your risk of complicated grief – a state where regardless of how long ago the loss occurred the grieving person continues to feel intense pain as if it happened yesterday.

What to do? Let your self feel and process the pain for short bouts at a time. I promise it won’t kill you. Once you’ve done this for sometime, then bring your attention back to the moment and fully participate in your own life – whatever you were doing before the reminders and feelings showed up.

Whenever daily reminders nudge open the door to your pain, let them. Reminisce for a while then get back to the present. Accept this back and forth between remembering your loss and trying to live in the moment. When you do this your heart will slowly but surely begin to recover. You wont even know the exact moment you begin to enjoy life again like before. It would have happened imperceptibly.

It won’t last forever

You won’t hurt forever even though it feels that way.

One of the scary things about losing someone you love is that you think the pain will never go away. It feels like it would go on and on indefinitely – forever.

In reality feelings are like waves – they wax and wane. They never remain at the same level endlessly.

Even good feelings don’t last forever.

Remember the last time your heart was broken? It felt like you wouldn’t survive it at the time right? But how do you feel looking back on it now?

Remember what really matters

I’ve learnt that no matter how rocky, unpredictable and crazy your emotions get, remembering what truly matters will always help anchor you to reality.

What do I mean? Doing a little of what is important to you everyday will hold you still despite the raging storm of your emotions.

You have kids? Give them a little of your time each day where you’re fully focused on them and in the moment.

What is your purpose in life and how can you begin to walk in that direction? Doing this opens your eyes to the larger picture which causes the pain of your loss to diminish in comparison.

Do you love God? Involve Him in the matter. Focusing on God usually gives perspective and meaning to what may otherwise seem like a random and senseless loss.

Give yourself permission to set that feeling of loss or emptiness on a make-believe shelf in your heart for a while. Then go out and do each day a little of what gives you a sense of pleasure or mastery.

Sometimes just being grateful for the time you had with the one you lost helps replace the emptiness with gratitude.

Continuing to live your life and pursuing your dreams is not betrayal. Neither is suffering and wallowing a show of loyalty to the one you’ve lost.  You can honour their memory and still live!

Learn from the experience

Maybe the relationship you lost was not great. You’re besieged with thoughts of what you should or should not have done. How they did you wrong.  How you can never forgive or ever let another man or woman treat you like that ever again. I get it, I really do. But continuing to think like this is not helpful. You deserve better than to let someone who hurt you once continue to hurt you over and over again because you can’t forgive and let go.

Why punish yourself by closing your heart to a worthy person because of how somebody in your past treated you?

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping someone else dies. Not effective to say the least.

If you’re serious about really healing then intentionally forgive them – over and over again if you need to. Anytime the heartache or anger resurfaces consciously let it go. Say it out loud; ‘I forgive you’.

Your heart will thank you for this and your healing will progress more quickly.

Do the opposite of how you feel

Too often we let our feelings dictate what we do, what we wear and unfortunately the tune for our entire day.

Well you don’t have to!

You can take the reigns of your life back by choosing to act in opposition to how you truly feel. Yes, even if you have to initially fake it. The catch is to fully participate in whatever activity you choose to do; whether it’s going out for coffee with friends or bird watching, be in the moment.

Don’t let your thoughts drag you back into the past or the future. If this happens don’t beat yourself up about it, just refocus your attention to the present. Do this back and forth refocusing of your attention as often as you need to. It will get easier with time.

Finally…  

Take care of yourself

It’s tempting to let your physical health slide while you grope through the memories of what once was or could have been. Don’t give in to this! You need to be optimum physically by getting in physical activity and eating right to tip the scales in your favor and speed up your emotional recovery. Your mood will improve too.

I’d love to hear your story. And feel free to ask me questions.

Much love,