How to Spot an Abuser

They’re charming and sweet. You feel yourself being swept clean off your feet.

But think twice before you commit yourself for the long haul.

Do you really know this person who says they love you?

—————————-

Abuse, be it physical, sexual or emotional, is all about power and control.  It has absolutely nothing to do with love.

Perpetrators dominate their victims with threats of violence, psychological manipulation and intimidation or with neglect and withdrawal of financial aid.

Victims remain in abusive relationships because of fear, shame and deep embarrassment. Also sometimes out of a sense of obligation – to keep their relationship or marriage, because of their children or in the hope that they might change their aggressor.

Unfortunately many abusive relationships don’t change for the better.

Perpetrators of violence end up killing their victims 40 percent of the time for women and 7% of the time for men according to the WHO.

Others sustain physical injuries or are maimed psychologically sometimes with permanent sequelae.

___________________

If you’re in a toxic relationship there are people who can help.   

Love should not hurt. Physical, sexual or verbal abuse is wrong even when it’s done by someone you love.

Get help! Save yourself and your children before it is too late.

___________________

For those at the verge of committing to a relationship take time to stop, think and pray. Make sure you know this person who says they love you.

Know that abusers have certain characteristics. You can learn to identify an abuser early enough so that you have the option of leaving before things become heated, violent or dangerous.

Anyone can be an abuser. Anyone can be fooled by one. There are undoubtedly men who are abused by women but most victims are female.

Here are some tell-tale signs and unmistakable red flags.

Traits of Abusers

An abuser is typically;

  1. In a hurry to have an exclusive relationship or engagement

Initially the courtship is intense and sweet. He sweeps you off your feet with his charm, attention and adoration. He says and does all the right things and quickly pushes for an exclusive relationship.

Abusers typically wear a facade of charm in an attempt to conceal their true personalities.

Who doesn’t want a man who is thoughtful, observant and with a sense of humor? That’s the bait.

Abusers are unable to keep up this façade for very long so they typically try to force a commitment fairly quickly.

The saying is true – If it feels too good to be true- it probably is.

True love does not pressure or force. It’s comfortable and safe.

  1. Manipulative

People who abuse others are masters of manipulation. They may be extroverted or introverted but are united in knowing how to use others vulnerabilities and past pains to their advantage.

‘‘Your ex dumped you because you’re ugly and unlovable.’’

‘‘ No one else can love you but me’’

He makes you feel like you’re undeserving of anyone’s love and affection.

If he makes you feel unworthy and less of a person than others then he doesn’t love you- no matter what he says.

  1. Refuses to take responsibility for his bad choices and actions

An abuser’s poor choices and irresponsible behaviour are everybody else’s’ fault never his.

He may get into an argument or lose money in a bad business deal. No matter what the trouble is it’s never his fault but somebody else’s. That’s the red flag.

Abusers are experts at making their victims feel responsible for the physical, emotional or sexual abuse they receive.

Every adult is responsible for his or her actions even when provoked. The expression of anger is completely under voluntary control.

  1. Controlling

He wants to know where you are and who you’re with at all times. He checks your phone and car mileage to confirm what you tell him and where you’ve been.

This is NOT his way of showing love it’s just about power and control.

Trust is the building block of every lasting relationship.

  1. Narcissistic

A narcissist is someone who excessively admires and loves themselves and has little regard for the feelings of others.

Some abusers have a sense of entitlement. They act as though the world revolves around them and treat you as though you were created to meet their every need.

They have unrealistic expectations of you. You are expected to talk, dress and look a certain way – their way.

While partners ought to express their preferences to one another it should be balanced and not one sided.

Loving someone means accepting them for who they really are.

  1. Given to sudden mood changes

One minute he’s happy, the next he’s in a rage.

Abusers tend to be impulsive and quickly become aggressive and violent at the slightest provocation.

You feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them.

Love is comfortable. It does not constantly pressure or put you on edge.

  1. Has a history of childhood physical or emotional abuse

It is true that not everyone who was abused in childhood ends up becoming an abuser.

However there is consistent evidence to show that people who were abused as children are more likely to abuse their own children.

Know his family history before you make a commitment.

Perpetrators of violence learn from an early age that violence is an acceptable way to deal with stress and frustration.

Not having learnt more helpful ways to cope with life’s inevitable ups and downs they handle stress the only way they know – through physical, psychological or emotional violence.

Trust your gut feelings. Don’t ignore that feeling that something is not quite right about the person you’re about to commit yourself to.

  1. Wants to disconnect you from friends and family

Abusers typically try to isolate their victims from their families. This makes them more dependent on him and therefore easier to control.

It’s worse if the victim is financially dependent on them.

‘‘Your family causes too much trouble for us. I don’t want them around here anymore’’

Eager to please and soothe his anger many victims eventually agree to this.

 

Hope you enjoyed reading this! Questions? Please Ask the Therapist 

From my heart to yours,

1,251 thoughts on “How to Spot an Abuser”

  1. Avatar

    This is so apt and true. The ways in which the attention of an abuser and that of a lover are similar can be deceptive to the untrained eye. That control and manipulation and isolation par sha! Chai! Alarm bells should go off!!! I have witnessed many in ministry in church – even between people that are dating. A man beats you and you are not yet married?!! A definite No- No- No matter how sweet he is otherwise. Thank you for this Doc! I am sure it will be very useful to many.

    1. Chika Anireto

      So sad but true- abuse happens even among those who profess to be God fearing!!
      You know the pressure on young ladies to quickly settle down is probably a reason why so many ignore the obvious red flags.

      Thanks Tolu!

  2. Avatar

    A real eye opener! Like a commentator said, “the attention of an abuser and that of a lover can be deceptive to the untrained eye” in local parlance…Shine Ya Eyes! Nothing is at it seems, people are seldom who they portray themselves to be.

    Yet another enlightening piece! Keep it up Doc.

    1. Chika Anireto

      No bi small Shine ya eyes! Truly there are many wolves in sheep’s clothing! I pray the people who need to read this actually do.

      Thanks dear Uche

  3. Avatar
    Ekene Justin Nwogueze

    Truly insightful. Thank you. I learned something myself. You know we are in the field and meet people who are facing such psychological, behavioral and social issues. The question of abuse is actually a pertinent one and its act is on the rise. Thank you for raising these 8 points of guide to enable people to look well before leaping.
    Permit me to translate them in Portuguese and use for my pastoral guidance.
    Thank you plenty and best regards!

    Fr Ekene Justin Nwogueze
    Cape Verde

    1. Chika Anireto

      I’m so glad you enjoyed the read Father. Do go ahead and translate into Portuguese as you wish.
      It would bring me great joy to know that people will be helped in some way by reading my content.
      It’s actually my dream to build a community of people who are passionate
      about helping others get through their psychological difficulties.

      Take good care Father. May God bless the work of your hands

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