The Power of Negative Thinking on Intimate Relationships

How your ‘innocent’ assumptions can sabotage your closest relationships.

_______________________

Vanessa jumped into Jason’s car excitedly and reached in to give him a hug.

After weeks apart because of the nationwide lock-down it felt so good to finally see him.

She chatted animatedly as they sped off to his place. But minutes later her words stuttered to a stop and she glanced over at him and wondered why he was so cold and distant.

She remembered his tendency to be secretive and decided to ignore his monosyllables, irritated at his irrational moodiness.

She wanted to ask him what the matter was then decided against it – suddenly exhausted. She faced the window instead and sighed. She did not deserve this treatment from him. Not after all they’d been through together.  

‘’He’s not even happy to see me – after all this time’’ she thought. ‘’He doesn’t really care about me’’ she frowned   ‘’I don’t deserve this.’’

By now whatever feelings of togetherness that existed had evaporated. In its place was a painful, uneasy silence.

Jason, who had only just heard that his company had laid off 3 members of staff, was angered by her indifference. He also felt sad and scared at the thought of his uncertain future.

His thought was ‘’If she really cared about me she would know that something was wrong. She is so selfish ’’.

_____________________________

Scenes like this play out all the time in intimate relationships. Partners make assumptions about one another based on their own perceptions (not facts) and never think to verify their assumptions.

The very nature of intimate relationships is such that partners have very high expectations of one another (different from the expectations they might have from say a colleague).  When these expectations are not met the tendency is to see the erring partner and the entire relationship in bad light.

People in intimate relationships tend to respond to their personal perceptions of the other as though these perceptions were facts leading to all manner of relationship difficulties.

These (often false) perceptions are called thinking errors

The partner making the error usually arrives at a wrong conclusion based on little more than their gut feelings. He or she then punishes the ‘erring’ partner’ unjustly. The injured partner then attacks or withdraws from his or her attacker and a vicious cycle begins.

Vanessa concluded that Jason was not happy to see her after they had been unable to see each other for weeks.

She bases her assumption on the fact that he seems cold and distant. By now I’m hoping that you realize that Vanessa’s wrong assumption is a thinking error.

Her error is called Arbitrary Inferencecoming to a conclusion in the complete absence of evidence.

Vanessa did not know that Jason’s unresponsiveness and emotional distance was work related. She assumed it had to do with her – another thinking error called Personalization. Personalization is when we think that an event or situation has something to do with us when there’s no actual reason to think so.

She went on to act on her wrong assumption (that Jason was not happy to see her) by withdrawing from him and facing the window, instead of asking him what the problem was.

Based on her errors of thinking Vanessa arrives at the conclusion that Jason did not care about her – which amounts to mind reading another thinking error.

Jason is not without fault though. He is angered by her inability to read his mood and mind (a mistake people in intimate relationships frequently make) and sees her emotional withdrawal as evidence to prove that she is selfish.

His error is called Over generalization – extending conclusions made about one situation to include broader unrelated areas.

Sadly there are some who end promising relationships based on conclusions drawn solely from thinking errors.

___________________________

Do you find yourself making any of these thinking errors?

Or maybe you feel that your relationship has suffered because of errors you made or those made by your partner.

Stay with me as I’ll explain the steps you can take to avoid making these errors and help salvage or repair a broken relationship in my next post.

Or you can Ask the Therapist or get answers to your questions through our FAQ.

____________________________

 

I’ll end with a quote from the father of Cognitive Therapy – Dr Aaron T Beck. 

He says ‘’Cognitive therapy has shown that partners can learn to be more reasonable with each other by adopting a more humble, tentative attitude about the accuracy of their mind reading and its resulting negative conclusions; by checking out the accuracy of their assumptions and by considering alternative explanations for what a partner does’’.

292 thoughts on “The Power of Negative Thinking on Intimate Relationships”

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    Awesome chika. This is very important that if understood will improve the quality of relationships and life

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    I dare say I couldn’t keep my eyes from my screen until I read through despite the Mrs. calling me. Can’t she understand that I’m reading a masterpiece!? Lol. Seriously though, this a worthy read and an eyeopener to the intricacies one needs to be aware of when in an intimate and mutually fulfilling relationship. Good one Chi-Chi!

  3. Avatar
    Chiji Michael Nwosu

    A very interesting piece Dr Booskysan! I feel most relationships go through this phase from time to time and I feel in most cases its a ‘Ego thing’ . Meaning most arguments or misunderstandings in realtionships or marriages could be resolved if only both parties could just humble themselves and talk to eachother …communication is very key and in this story you gave . communication by each of them would have solved a whole lot of issues in it? In my humble opinion ofcourse, just saying, your the expert afterall😊.Thank you very much for this .

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